Or Does It Even Matter?

I've been so unsure about things lately.


My grades, my friends, the way I feel about certain things.


But I guess the biggest conflict that pops up while I'm trying to get to sleep is the most common one: God... ?


I don't know if he (or she) exists. I don't know if I even want this higher entity controlling the Earth.


My first 10+ years were easy. I had no doubts. Sure my family didn't go to sermons that often, but I went to Catholic school in 3rd grade, and some odd weekends we'd stop by the Lutheran Church in town (I went mostly for the cookies at the end of the service). I was never confirmed or baptized, but I believed. I believed that Jesus died for our sins, that God has unconditional love for us, and that we're all saved because of this love. Things were simple.


And then the big question occurred. I don't specifically remember when I started to doubt; I'm guessing when I was in 7th or 8th grade. One of my best friends was Atheist. She and I never talked about religion, but I knew that she didn't believe in a higher power, and this made me think.


And I realized, that I couldn't worship a God. I'm a person that needs to see something to believe it. God wasn't tangible, why should I praise him? If God is so amazing, wouldn't he know it already? Why does he need us to sing songs to him?


These thoughts kept bugging me until I'd had enough. I stopped. He doesn't exist to me anymore.


But there were those nights when I wanted to pray for something. When I was worried because my brother was really sick, my grandfather had died, or even because I had a huge math test the next day.


What do I do?


The last two years, I've proclaimed myself an Agnostic. I get a ton of crap for, "staying in the middle," but I can't help it. I simply do not know. It's not that I don't care about religion, it's just that I don't have enough evidence to make an educated inference. I wouldn't be able to solve the crime of the murder if there were no fingerprints, no motives, and no body.


I feel that the times that I do want a God to exist, it's mostly for my own selfish reasons. The other times, I can just conveniently forget about the whole thing, because I don't "believe."
So will I burn in Hell? Or will I simply cease to exist after death?


Or maybe this.